The One Where I Scoop Poop

I’m about to get my nearing-thirty year old self dressed in a cute frock to meet my girlfriends for a birthday dinner in the city. Like a chick from a romantic comedy. I just had this out of body experience watching myself progress through these stages of life, like little vignettes out of a movie, except that carefree and cute are only caught glimpses, not the natural flow of things. Ah, to be a written character and only experience high points of life. 

I walked three dogs earlier today, earning back the money I would need to pay the parking ticket I received this morning for getting to my car NINE MINUTES late...because I needed to pee. After raging in my car, and attempting to find the person who did this and give them a piece of my mind, I finally gave up the witchhunt and found solace for an hour in the blustering leaves, raining drops of gold and red tree remnants on my four-legged friend and I as we walked. I needed a reset because my mind was doing backflips, eyes glued to the screen of my phone, frantically wondering where I’ll pick up jobs next, wondering whether I’ll ever finish the growing pile of projects and ideas. Imagine a brain pulling a room apart, hurling clothing and shoes, desperately searching for something. Cute little brain creature. 

I’m about to coin a phrase, so get ready. Gird your loins...or, whatever. “Calculator Brain”. You heard me. Calculator brain. This frame of being is when your mind is constantly trying to fit the puzzle pieces of activities, work opportunities, whys and hows, “what’s the points”, and “when do I eat and work out?”’s into this giant mental calendar planner. For anxious people, you’ll recognize this condition as “being awake”. Money is a big trigger, and anything that sets us back is a big old frenzy in that their brain calc. Another big one tends to be closely related to imposter syndrome, where you can’t possibly figure out how you’ve done hard things in the past, and you can’t possibly see how you could do them in the future. Literally, things you may have just done or sometimes are currently doing. This must be the last time I’ll EVER be able to do this. But, your brain has trouble wrapping itself around how you’re doing it, how it’s possible, and why you would ever want to continue it if it means the opposite of sleeping and hiding. How dramatic. 

Calculator brain usually ties directly to what we call “drop tummy”, “fluttery bones”, and “the electric current lindy hop”. Drop tummy is that dropping out feeling you get that makes your stomach hurt, and often doesn’t let you eat a lot until it subsides. Next is that fluttery sensation you may experience in your chest, hands, and throat. These are vulnerable places of your body, and when you’re trying to be brave they often flutter to try and get you back inside the shell. Common side effect of badassery living. And then we come to the electric current lindy. Little shoots on the face, neck, and arms that overheats the host and really adds to the illusion of utter doom-dom. 

I’ve observed a common pattern, and it’s that anxiety presents itself in the leading up to of an event. This could be hanging with friends, a work presentation, teaching, performing. There’s a feeling of ease when the event is over, having completed it successfully, and releasing those bodily sharks that are, quite honestly, the worst part of it. The more I observe, the more I realize that it’s not just big events, but small daily occurrences as well. It’s generalized fear of not stacking up. Vulnerability in its purest and rawest, painful form. This is a major observation, because now I can try and infiltrate as it’s happening and make myself laugh about the bodily sensations occurring over something I would rather enjoy, and could rather enjoy and bask in. Personifying the feelings is a tool for this. If we can call out the pattern, give it a pre-war name like Lindy, then just maybe we can sometimes, sometimes stop it in its tracks. Hey, we’re at least one step closer to that goal. 

I’m finally enjoying what fall looks like in my imagination, the kind of whimsical movie set feeling. I get to do it while walking dogs now. And I smile every time. Even with a poop bag in hand.

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Fun Fact: all the photos below were taken during FALLS PAST. 

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