The One Where I Nanny & Fly

“Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we should dance.” -unknown

This quote is floofy as heck, but it resonated with me this morning as I compare the self of 5 years ago to the woman sitting here writing this. I’ve found a coffee roaster and cafe in Vienna, Virginia, because I’m like a hound dog and can sniff out local coffee holes from leagues away. It’s a special skill.

I started a nannying job last week, a two-month gig where you work long hours and go hard until the next job crops up. It happens to be quite a commute away and I am not hating the sunrise scenes and podcast time in the car each day. But, man, am I exhausted. I am a fill-in for their “main” nanny, and it’s all consuming, with childcare as a portion of the duties. In two weeks I feel like I’ve become a part of the family, and I sing nursery rhymes in my sleep. No lie, I woke up this morning singing “three little kittens have lost their mittens, and they began to cry…”...I could do without the adolescent ear worms.

I now have the utmost respect for early risers who run all day long. I never understood how people woke up at 5:30am, worked, and then went to the gym and worked on personal projects in the evenings...until I started doing it and realized how adaptable our bodies are. Now, I run dry out of gas at about 8:00 pm and anything attempted after that needs to be checked by the teacher in the morning for errors, but like, still a pretty long shift, eh? It’s a matter of listening to your body, pace, and perception.

There’s a certain shame that accompanies dreaming. The dark side of dreams, if you will. (Because we always need that dark for the light!) The kind of shame that surfaces when you’ve decided that you want to create something or complete something, but when you get down to brass tacks, you simply can’t find the eyes-open time or energy to work on it. You aim high, you hold yourself to this golden standard, you know you’re capable of great work and service to others, and then you arrive home and you instead binge-eat, scolding yourself for it, and stare despondently, while huddled over your counter or sitting on the floor in the middle of the room. Your eyes are glazed over and there’s nothing in the world that sounds more pleasurable than a pillow and to get this G.D. bra off. This is, in reality, called “being tired”, and funnily enough, it happens to everyone. But there’s a cycle involved for the perfectionists in the group, and spiraling into no man’s land, where your worth has plummeted, is the easy next step. You’re tired, so obviously that means you’re lazy. Well, now I’ve become lazy so I should give up and eat more. Now I’m mad for lack of self-control, I’m going to hate on myself in the mirror. Now I’m….you see where this is going. And it’s all because you are simply tired and need rest.

Dreaming and creating are, in my opinion, the two most glorious feelings that can come out of this human condition. Well, add love to the mix and we’ve got a trifecta. But, truly, thinking up an idea and seeing it to fruition creates a natural high, the kind that keeps me bouncing from one day to the next. And when I feel nothing, a lack of motivation, depression seeps in. That’s why I’ve always had a HUGE problem with that mug that says, “Beyonce has the same amount of hours in a day.” Guys, it makes me so mad. Yeah, she does. And assistants. And money to hire a trainer and cook, and people to send emails for her so she gets to focus on big picture stuff. And I realize how ridiculous that is, but it’s the bigger message it sends, guilting people into thinking that if they don’t hustle everyday, that they’ll never achieve dreams. But you know another really great way to fall flat on your face? Go so hard that you run off the rails. Anyone who navigates mental health mazes knows this all too well. Your body holds the ding-dang score, and if you’re not willing to work with it and what it needs from you, it’ll sit down like a dog during a long walk and refuse to get up. I’m saying this as much of a reminder to myself than anything. Dreaming is hard work, pace and perception.

Last night I was driving home from Virginia in the rain, and I wasn’t unhappy but I was feeling the “blah’s” because a list was forming in my mind that looked much like this…

BLOG. FINISH the BLOG.
You’ve gotta pick up meds girl. OH, and buy a new skort. Skorts are good.
Shoot, I’ve gotta finish choreographing that piece. You know you’ve only got a week, right?!
You are NOT allowed to have popcorn tonight. Nope, nope.
April 15th...dang, girl, WHEN will you do your taxes….
Didn’t you wanna record a song?

It’s a little bit of a headache and not very inspiring, right?

And then the light was red and I looked out the window and saw a bird just soaring. I caught it mid-soar, as if time had stopped (cue Big Fish). And then 3 seconds later, a full and pregnant 3 seconds, it flapped its wings again to move along. And then it soared again for a few seconds, and then it flapped, soared, flapped, soared.

Aha! I see what you did there, Universe. Sneaky little thing.

I suddenly drew in a big breath, knowing that the evening would be for rest. And this morning I woke up having had an adequate amount of sleep, to make coffee and allow for words to flow. It isn’t always that easy, but it’s a reminder that ebbs and flows ARE the creative and dreaming process. Animals just naturally know how to pace themselves.

But in that moment I also summed up the week of positives and achievements, in comparison to the laundry list I first dictated. I can sit in stillness with a child now and enjoy the hundreds of tiny discoveries, whereas 7 years ago I was often bored and anxious about sitting still. I also have been drinking almost a gallon of water a day! I also booked a show this week at a theatre I’ve dreamt of working at for ages (details at a later date =) eeeeh). My best friend got into grad school, two of my friends got job offers, I made it to two dance classes and multiple lift sessions, and I had delicious coffee every morning. I also got compliments on my chai tea making skills. It’s been a great week.

There’s still much to do, but much has been done. I’m deciding which side of the perception aisle I’d like to stand on today. There’s always two sides to a story and it’s up to us to grab a hold of the negative ones, throw them behind us, and say, “Excuse me, but I can handle this from here. There’s a lot you’re forgetting. Let me divulge…”. Also, I did in fact have popcorn last night. Two helpings, to be exact.