The One Where I Believe

She smelled like cold cream and rosewater, and I leaned into the smell rolling off of her from the bus seat ahead of me. Dressed in white head coverings, she and five other people, family members I presume, hopped off the bus heading to Sunday morning worship. They were glowing. My mind brought me back to earlier days of Catholic Mass, when I was encouraged to wear a lace veil, praising under raised ceilings that echoed in such a manner that it was hard to believe that the entire town couldn’t hear our chants and hymnal responses. I won’t speak to the hardships of growing up in a devout Christian world, rather to the elements that have left a hole behind when they went. 

I’m currently rehearsing a show called Love Sick, to be performed at Theater J, which is located inside the Edlavitch Jewish Community Center of DC. In a neighborhood brimming with churches, Sunday makes for quite the walk to work. Yesterday was at a high of 95, feeling like 102, and folks had every window and door open to let in the slightest attempt of a breeze. As I passed one such house of worship, music and language unknown to me lifted up and out of the doors, and upon reaching my ears, also dampened my eyes. The sound of belief. The sound of faith. 

Faith and trust are two of the key components to living a happy life. Without religion even, the faith that what you are doing with your life has some sort of meaning, and that you believe deeply that the hard work is worth it, be it to support your family, to attain goals further on, to help others, simply to do it because you want to. Belief is powerful and it transforms your brain in a second’s time. Belief, faith, and trust are also the first to fall victim to OCD, depression, and anxiety. 

In the mind waters of anxiety and obsessive thoughts, the ceiling could very well be the floor and you’re simply the only one who can’t recognize it. It convinces you that the things you hold most dear are pointless, and that running away is the ultimate best decision, because after all, someone else is fitter than you. I’m summing that up quite conveniently and darkly, but if wikipedia needed a quick definition, I’m the gal for the job. 

In those low moments of desolation, what I’ve missed from my life has been a sense of belief, a deep sense of faith in things being bigger than me, larger than my microscopic understanding of them. Up until this point, I’ve been looking for answers and cures and pills and therapeutic approaches to bandage the batterings. I never once thought to think beyond myself, that perhaps the belief in something I’m not understanding could be at play. I’m not saying it is, I’m not saying it isn’t. I’m saying that when I pass by a house of worship and my body reacts before my mind does, that I have to be honest about my craving for belief in beauty beyond measure, and purpose beyond feelings. That mental weight-lifting may be the only thing that sets forth a new direction for my future. The hard work of acceptance in the uncomfortable. Maybe such a belief that it isn’t as it seems in the moment can, in fact, triumph over my bodily feelings: belief that feelings are not always to be believed.

If you’re with me so far, I applaud you. I’ve taken you down a winding road today. I’ve been asked several times this summer for an update, so I’ll give you a brief dumbshow:

• I’ve spent many days photographing in Southwest Virginia for businesses and individuals alike, honing in on my style, meeting challenges, failing, standing back up. 
• Hiking, swimming, acquiring a weird tan from my high-rise swimsuit bikini.
• Improving my relationship with food, by eating lots of vegetables and protein, and also enjoying the ice cream or cake I eat twice a week and NOT shaming myself for a second about it. I’ve gained 10 pounds since January and I feel wonderfully beautiful and healthy.
• I started personal training sessions to correct imbalances in my legs and ankles, and the work is paying off already. Less back pain, more stability. I shall dive into that at a later date.
• Played Helen Keller in Southern Appalachian Repertory Theatre’s production of The Miracle Worker, and flexed those trust muscles, as we actors are asked to do. It was a joy to step into Helen’s world again, and I’ll always be thoroughly enthralled by the persistence and BELIEF these two women possessed. 
• Moved to Silver Spring, Maryland and began my first production in DC, being reminded to offer thanks to every single teacher I’ve ever had in preparing me for a life of art.

The juicier update would be the latest in mental health, and if we’re being completely transparent? I had a few weeks that reminded me that there is no cure. You cannot go back in time and change your traumas, and you cannot erase the pathways that have been etched into the fabric of your brain. The one thing you can do is work on healing and managing. For me, that means sucking it up and running toward the mirage of fears, because when you arrive where you spotted it along the road, you’ll see that it was never actually there to begin with. Our minds create mirages, and will do so off and on, because it thinks it’s protecting us. It’s all trial and error, and I’m exploring mantras that empower me. I’m exploring when to listen to the noise, and when to breathe and count my steps instead. Some noise is super helpful, like the noise that tells you maybe that food is going to upset your stomach, even when your eyes want it. I’m looking at you, corn dogs. LISTEN to that noise. Other noise is the mirage again, telling you what could happen. I’ve begun responding with, “Yep, totally valid. That could absolutely happen. But, maybe you don’t have all the information here”. Anyhoo.

Love Sick is a stunning new musical exploring the crossroads between duty, freedom, religion, and female sensuality. This music is important, and this show is important. Many of the words we sing are grander than my understanding, having been sung for thousands of years, the bedrock of millions of lives. I’m basking in it, and hope that others will, too!

Until next time, friends. And remember, you are important, and so is the world around you. Open your heart, open your understanding. (note to self) <3